Pilot Me

We learn a lot about ourselves when we go through difficult and painful situations. It can be an eye-opening and fructifying experience or it can awaken the beast of our deep cynicism. No one is exempt from the barbaric waters eroding our perception of the “good life”.

This “good life” is a destructive mirage that is somehow engrained in our very beings. We all want our desires fulfilled right? Some chase it at all costs at the expense of hurting others to achieve it. Then there are those that become indifferent and spend their entire lives wishing that the “good life” will land gently on their laps. We all want some form of success and happiness and forget the very words that echoes from the heart of Jesus.

True life and joy is ONLY found through Christ.

There are so many songs and films that portray our defective mindset and reveals this deepest depravity. When the debris of distress enters the barricades of our comfort, we become disenchanted.

This past weekend I went with a couple of amigos to Orlando. We visited our good friend that is away from home at the Disney College Program. I couldn’t have asked for a better group to road trip with. Love you guys! This weekend trip was quite comical and enjoyable. There’s a particular story that stuck out to me. On Saturday, everyone went to the Disney parks for the day while I went to a pie festival in Celebration, FL. It was a nice walk through this quaint neighborhood. Everyone had a dog, every house had a white picket fence or a waving American flag. Oh, and some of the friendliest people reside here. As I was a little lost finding the park, following the aroma of the pies, people reassured me with smiles and gave me directions. My first thought was that I could envision myself living in such a paradise. If “the good life” had a physical location, it had invaded Celebration Avenue. A never-ending celebration.

Went back after midnight on Saturday and took this picture in Celebration, FL.

As I was there for a couple of hours, I realized that I didn’t have a realistic view of this small town. Of course the people were nice and the beauty that lies there is real. But these people don’t have perfect lives. Pain enters this town. As new forms of life are awakened, death will enter the last scene. The “good life” is meant to be trampled and the richness of freedom found in Christ is revealed. Does that mean we can’t desire good things to happen to us? We can anticipate and enjoy good things. There is nothing wrong about that. God desires our hope to be found in Him and not in our circumstances. When things take an unexpected turn, we can grieve it, but we are not devastated beyond repair.

I may not know what is going on in your life right now or completely understand the capacity of it, but God does. He cares about all your desires, fears, and dreams. He desires real freedom for you. He wants to peel away the mirage in your circumstances and divulge His plans to give you the real abundant life.

Even though the fig trees have no blossoms, and there are no grapes on the vines; even though the olive crop fails, and the fields lie empty and barren; even though the flocks die in the fields, and the cattle barns are empty, yet I will rejoice in the Lord! I will be joyful in the God of my salvation!
Habakkuk 3:17-18

Listening to: “Pilot Me – Josh Garrels”

Thoughts From My Work Desk

Sup, dudes, ladies, and that pita staring at me. It’s my lunch break and I have 20 minutes to spare. I guess I inhaled my lunch. Where did it go?

My birthday is coming next week and I’m terrified. Well, before you ask if I’m afraid of getting older, the answer is no. I just have no idea what’s going to happen next. I’m not sure I’ll still be in Miami this time next year. But I am sure this past year was filled with new adventures, growing friendships, and falling more in love with my King. It was also filled with a season of discouragement, failures, and learning to let go.

There’s a scene in Dark Knight Rises that Alfred is speaking to Bruce about his life beyond the cave. He tells him, “But that’s all part of living, sir. But you’re not living…you’re just waiting, hoping for things to go bad again.” I think I can relate immensely to his observation. In the deepest layers within me, lies a gal, hoping that she loves with all her heart and finds her place in the world, and not worrying if she will get burned.

God is holding me in the palm of His hands. It’s comforting, wild, and very vulnerable. Love requires vulnerability. And I am 100 percent all in being completely bare before Him, allowing the wall I’ve built of fearing the unknown to be dropped down and replaced with His peace.

Here’s to another year next week. A year filled with growth, community, new adventures and continuing ones, sorrows, and joy. I’m blessed beyond my finite mind can imagine.

To properly end this post with a word of encouragement I would like to quote some wise words of Woody from Toy Story…

Ride like the wind, Bullseye!

Listening to: “Charm City Devils – Almost Home”

Community Experience In Downtown

Last night, my small group went to help give out meals and clothes to the homeless community in downtown and overtown Miami. A friend from my church, Orlando, takes his food truck filled with food every Tuesday evening (for the past 8 YEARS!) for a couple of hours to feed, share the gospel, and spend time getting to know this community that is often forgotten. My group wanted to do it once a month. This was my second time and I wasn’t sure I wanted to go. I didn’t think I was making a real difference. I wanted to build relationships and hear stories and not just simply serve to a sea of strangers. I realized on the car ride there that I was the one holding myself back from making it happen. I needed to remind myself that I was being used as a vessel to represent Christ. It was an honor to serve Him. I got out of my comfort and started making conversations with a couple of people. I can’t begin to tell you how nervous I was. My palms were so sweaty, I wanted them to think I was funny and cool, haha! I’m so cheesy sometimes, and to my surprise, it went very well. Some conversations I had included: The Heat’s 23 consecutive wins so far, mosquito season, and our favorite foods. There was a lot of laughter and great conversations at each stop. Some stories were painful to hear because I wanted to do something at that second about their particular situation. The most I could do in some moments was be a good listener and encourage them to keep seeking Christ. It was the most interesting and challenging time I’ve had in this month. I felt this complete and utter joy boiling within me the entire time. These people are just like me, we shared our failures, hopes, and dreams. As Orlando was sharing scripture to this community that he’s invested in so much, everyone contemplated on what he was saying as we heard the train pass by. I still have the picture in my mind of the experience. It was a picture of Christ here on earth. I’m so excited about getting to know this community better, being able to call them friends, and walk through life with them. It’s so important to not simply give a man a fish, but to empower him to help feed his family. I want to learn that through Christ in this new chapter of growth. On the ride back home, I couldn’t stop smiling. I’m so thankful I went. 

An Open Letter To The Broken

Imagine if you and I were at a grand opening art exhibit for a famous world renown artist. We see a huge crowd over the main piece, eyes glaring, and words of excitement fill the air. Now we’re really anxious to see what the piece is. It’s a small 3 x 5 Pietra Firma’s LuxTouch marble tile with the word ‘Indigent’ engraved on it. What is the big deal, its only a piece of tile about being needy. This tile is the most expensive tile in the world and only to be used in five locations. Why would that word be written on it? No matter how glamorous a diamond and pearl glazed tile appears, it is still in need of other tiles, adhesive, and cement to be of more use. 

Now, we aren’t pieces of the most expensive tiles in the world, haha! I like to think we are more like clay with the ability to be molded by our Creator or to be hardened and torn into the fire. We have the potential to be of great use for His kingdom If we allow ourselves to be sculpted by the most impressive artist himself, Jesus. On certain days that I feel depleted and the thought of grace gets the sloppy seconds of my heart, I need to be reminded of why I am here in the first place. Without Christ, we are nothing. Below is an open letter, from Jesus to you! It’s all scripture written in a letter format, His words spoken to bring life to the broken clay pieces that we are.

Dear beloved,
You can call on me when you are in trouble and I will rescue you as you give me all the glory. Be thankful for everything, make it a sacrifice to Me; choose it when things aren’t looking up, when all you can see is mud ahead. Remember the vows you’ve made. Wake up and see that My love never ends! My mercies never cease. I am Your Lord, over all the earth, is anything too hard for me? I will fight for you, just stay calm. You don’t have to be afraid, for I am with you. You don’t need to be discouraged for I am Your God. What is impossible for people, is always possible with Me. Make me the home of your heart as you continually put your trust in Me. I love you.

Your best friend.

Thanksgiving: Remembering Him

Thanksgiving. Filled with friends being food critics on Instagram, people planning the quickest route to get to Best Buy for black Friday, cynics that say Thanksgiving shouldn’t be an acknowledged holiday while they surreptitiously eat corn casserole and watch the football game in their bat cave. This year I wasn’t sure I wanted to partake in the festivities if it didn’t mean thanking the ONE who created us. In fact, I was planning on cat sitting at home and packing while all my roommates were away celebrating with loved ones and family. I know, an exaggerated response, so dumb of me, I’ll admit.

Thankfully, God had a different plan. I needed an emotional heart check up. Sometimes, I get caught up in my own selfishness and feel like I deserve to vacation in it. It’s almost an automatic response whenever I neglect to immerse myself in reading God’s word. If I neglect to read the word even for just one day, my spirit feels it completely. Jesus beckons me to not remain phlegmatic about it.

I love Thanksgiving, don’t let my previous paragraphs perplex you.  I love reading the messages on Facebook, Twitter, and texts because people are genuinely taking the time to say what they’re thankful for. I don’t have to be a cynic and complain that we aren’t more vocal about our gratitude for things, but I can enjoy that people at least can see their need for others and take the time to express it.

I am thankful for my family, my friends, and my life. I am thankful for food, shelter, and clothes. I am thankful for imagination, creativity, intellect, and witty banter.

Thank you Abba, for being such an amazing Father, my lover, and my best friend. I don’t like it when I am pessimistic about life, when there is always so much to be thankful about. You take me as I am and accept my brokenness. I want to share encouragement and a spirit of thanksgiving daily. Jesus, You are everything I don’t deserve and everything I could ever want.

P.S. no, I didn’t end up staying at home with the cat and packing boxes. I am celebrating with my sister and close family friends. Woohoo! If I’m feeling spicy I might even share a instagram picture of me in hibernation after all the food, haha! Just joshin’ ya.

Happy Thanksgiving!

Shadow Hands

‘Shadow Hands’ drawing by Tatiana Faria

“Good morning class! It’s the second day of your sixth grade year. Aren’t you all excited that we’re going to talk about Switzerland today? The Swiss. The cheese, the watch, the people, the chocolate. Hmm. Just kidding. Open your books and turn to chapter two.”

::Clara sits comfortably in her chair. She opens her book and quickly enters into a day-dream::

She looked at her limbs and couldn’t recognize them. The distress in her heart marked the culmination of her melt down. She began to sweat profusely. She noticed the shadow of her hands.

“Why am I so anxious?..I turned in the homework. I ate breakfast!”

Every movement she made was as if she was diving into a sea of sharks with the fear of seeing them an inch away from its razor sharp teeth sinking into her bare skin. The teacher’s face turned into a mother shark.

“Cover up and say good night”  The mother shark whispered.

The shark was very cynical due to her damaged fin by the reef. Pieces of glass and aluminum pierced her skin. She wanted revenge. The sun’s rays were boiling her wounds. She wanted food. Not for her children. Not for herself. The thrill was far more exciting at the moment. She was unstoppable.

“Class dismissed.”

The teacher had given her hour and a half lecture and smiled as her words affirmed her very existence in making a difference in the students lives by mentioning of the Old Swiss Confederacy.

Clara realized she day dreamed during the entire length of class. Lesson of the day?

Imagination and a low fever can cost a grade, who knew.

Luxuriant Wave

James 1: 2-6

“Dear brothers and sisters, when troubles come your way, consider it an opportunity for great joy. For you know that when your faith is tested, your endurance has a chance to grow. So let it grow, for when your endurance is fully developed, you will be perfect and complete, needing nothing. If you need wisdom, ask our generous God, and He will give it to you. He will not rebuke you for asking. But when you ask Him, be sure that your faith is in God alone. Do not waver, for a person with divided loyalty is as unsettled as a wave of the sea that is blown and tossed by the wind.”

Who wants to be an unsettled wave? I want to be a luxuriant wave enriched in growth. As we embark in our adventure into deeper waters away from the proverbial coast, You promise to not forsake us. Let us not try to remove the anchor from trails and tests. It might appear absurdly dangerous, one might think, to embrace such troubles. There You are patiently waiting for us with the soft whisper, “my beloved, I am pleased with you.“  There in that place we will look around and see everyone else that sailed into the resonate waters. Each person wasn’t asking for anything in return. They were glad that they took the risk. It’s what we are all meant to do. It’s in our very core, yearning that we do such a wild thing.

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Engulfed

September was a month that wrecked me. When I use the word wreck, I mean it. It ripped me out of my most comfortable zone and into such a vulnerable place. I wish I could say that this month was safe, monotonous, and ordinary. Oh, my friend, it was not that. We are only a few hours away from October and I am so excited to see what comes next in this adventure.

“Yeah, yeah, Tati…what is this wreckage you are speaking of?!”

I was completely, utterly, in awe of the small things Jesus has shown me. No, I didn’t see a massive double rainbow, I didn’t get to meet the cast of Breaking Bad or Boy Meets World (I would poop bricks of joy, if that happened!) and  I didn’t turn into a butterfly. The small things that have occurred has been such a pivotal point in my story.

Promise to not make fun of me! I cried a lot this month. I cried when I would see friends give each other genuine hugs that lift up their mood and bring a smile to their face. I cried when It would rain cause I love the fresh smell of dirt and rain (it rained a lot this month). I cried whenever I got to send a text or receive one saying how thankful I am to have good friends in my life. I cried each when I paint or draw. Haha! Okay, maybe I didn’t need to cry so much, but each time I cried it was a small simple gift I received from God. His presence moved in me to be grateful that I could express such emotion not for the sake of simply crying but how humility is so important. It showed me that I need to be fully dependent on Him.

Rewind to yesterday.

I received another phone call from my mother that literally made me feel like my heart was about to burst out of my chest cavity. I was tired of the injustice going on in her life and my little brother’s life in Europe due to my father’s careless actions. I was so overwhelmed, I took my journal, my phone, a water bottle, and a bike. I wanted to go to my favorite place to be with God. There is a pier that is 10 minutes away from my home. So, I said to myself “I have a divine appointment with You, Jesus, and I will not come back till I receive just this one thing. I want to return feeling Your love.”

When I got to the pier, I already knew that something special was going to happen. I sat down. I closed my eyes and just listened to the water. I surrendered my current fears, worries, and told Jesus everything I was thankful for that He did and is doing right now behind the scenes that I’m not even aware of .

“Jesus, I surrender my fear of the unknown. I know I trust you with my life, so I need to exercise what Your word tells me and continue to memorize scripture. I surrender my desire of knowing if You have a mate for me. I know I sound silly. I am not even worried. I am working on myself and growing in Jesus so that I can be the woman You desire me to be. Being completely sold out for You in my passions, in my relationships, in my daily life. I thank You that nobody in this world could ever satisfy me like You do, so even if I do hope a gentleman of God would someday pursue me, I will forever know that YOU ARE FAR BETTER! I surrender my worry of next weekend. I am so thankful that I even get this opportunity to film for CRU. I don’t want to simply capture moments through a lens for this retreat. I want this video to point towards You. I want  You to be in the entire process, from filming, editing, every frame per second. This video has the opportunity for me to gain more exposure that could lead to more experience with this passion You have instilled in me for many  years. I am so thankful for the people You have orchestrated for me to walk with in my journey. I thank You for water to drink, food to eat, smiles, and even simply a grain of sand that reminds me of how small I am and how much You love me.”

At that moment I was engulfed in His love. Let me tell you. It was unlike any sweet moment I have had with Jesus so far. I was on the knees of my heart, pleading in confidence that no matter what will happen next, He is in control. He delights in me and there is nothing I can do to make Him stop loving me. Ahhhh! Oh, those words were honey to my mouth.

In my last entry, I said that God has been speaking to me to go through this season of going without things so that He could use that time to speak to me. I got a chance to give up liquids other than water for 18 days this month. The theme element in this time was to pray for families and the city of Miami dealing with sexual brokenness. I have so much hope that God will do great things! I had the pleasure of 5 friends doing it with me. It was tough sometimes. But the reward is far greater. I was so excited that I already planned for next month. Haha! I will be giving up sweets  [ice cream, nutella, cake, cookies, gum, anything chocolate, and my fav Jelly Belly Jelly Beans] I am crazy!!!!! Trust me, I already know that I will need a lot of accountability…I already called up some people, but I know one thing. I am so pumped to experience Jesus through this and new ways He will reveal Himself to me. I encourage you to try something like this. Lets welcome Jesus in those inmost places of our hearts and have our spirit hunger for Him.

It was very vulnerable for me to write this. I know that inviting you into my story through my writings can be a very scary thing for me. I don’t know your reactions. My only hope is that you would be encouraged, my words could serve as an instrument of healing, and that you will continue pressing forward in your story and look upward.

Okay, so October…Hmm. what you got? Let’s do this!

What Did You Say?!

“What did you say? Can you repeat that one more time?” I have found myself recently asking these questions to God. I’m definitely not questioning Him in a repugnant manner, rather I’m assimilating God’s instructions with reverence and humility understanding the weight it holds. It has been particularly difficult for me in this season to understand some of the stuff God puts in my heart that don’t necessarily make sense to me at that moment. “Tati, I want you to take another way home today instead of your regular commute so that you can speak to someone about me.” “Tati, go up to the cleaning staff at your favorite restaurant and thank them for their hard work and leave your seat better than how you found it.” “Tati, are you willing to go through a season without something that you really enjoy so that I can use that time to speak to you?” These are the times I wish I had cotton swabs in my ears. It can be a scary thing. But we don’t have to be fearful. Jesus has a really neat way of making sure I’m aware when I make a failed attempt of creating a blockade against His commands. It’s called conviction. I thank God that I haven’t grown numb to it. Here is a picture of how I  felt last week:

Kermit the Frog

“Hi ho! It’s Kermit the Frog!” I am a huge fan of The Muppets. If I lived in a Muppet world I would be best friends with Gonzo. Haha! This picture resembles Kermit having to do something he doesn’t want to do. It doesn’t make sense for him to dissect a frog. It’s absurd! It reminds me of something Walter White (Breaking Bad) would do. This picture might look depressing but I came to a quick observation. We constantly need Jesus to prune us. We are called to be retrospective and to exert ourselves to be more like Him. He doesn’t want us to hold the scalpel, He wants full control. Our growth is never finished. Our work is never done. Hearing from God is such a powerful thing. We have to remember that sometimes it’s not what we want to hear and perhaps He is calling us to something greater. It’s never too late. For those who think they are beyond fixing, you are wrong. Even Walter White knows he shouldn’t use his intellect for evil but out of desperation he sees himself involved in things he wouldn’t normally do. He finds himself questioning his intentions and ignoring his values to the point that he becomes completely numb and careless with no motive but to create chaos.  Being an idealist and a huge fan of redemption I tell myself that his character will make a turn around. The reality is that it’s his choice. That might be his story, but that doesn’t have to be ours.

A Phrenic Jubilee [Part 1]

The little girl will remember that day clearly. A trip to the Amtrak Station. She never thought that day would’ve been so sad. Her older brother didn’t fully comprehend the cornucopia of emotions her face displayed all at once. Her innocent blue eyes stared at the platform as the workers filled up the train with luggage. She was under the impression that her family was going on a short adventure and would return the following day.

Now that little girl is older. She would stare at her family frame that she kept near her bed on a wooden side table. Maybe she was crying because of the fan that was pointing directly towards her face causing her allergies to flare up. She would’ve rather that be her reason instead of the pain. Every bone inside of her felt like it was on fire. The world told her everyday to be bitter, to create hatred in her heart when life throws a situation of such a high caliber.

She picked up her car keys from the living room coffee table along with her favorite sonnet book and headed out the front door. To her demise there was a crime going on outside. A man was robbing an elderly woman. The stranger locked eyes with the girl as she was looking through her keys to open her car door. The stranger was afraid of having any eye witnesses so he ran up to the girl and took out his gun. His face was filled with scars and he had a faded out Nirvana tattoo on his left arm.

“You’re going to do what I tell you.“

His breath reeked with the smell of onions and whisky.

The girl was trembling. She didn’t understand what was happening. The man saw that she was in deep contemplation, so out of fear he shot her in the stomach and drove away with her car.  She laid there on the pavement, motionless, with her blue eyes turning to a tint of gray. Her eyes would usually do that whenever she was afraid.

“Wake up, pumpkin.“

The girl woke up gently to her mother’s voice. It was all a dream. She was in a cold sweat.

“Mom, will you and papa ever leave me?“

“Of course not, silly!“

The girl got out of her bed and saw that she had a bandage on her stomach. Her mother disappeared. She looked at the side table and  glanced at the photo. The people on it belonged to a cut out from a TIME magazine.

[to be continued...]